Random Activity
There are currently no activities/events scheduled in the calendar. Please check back soon as we update often.
Recipe Exchange
Apple Pita Bake
From Let's Cook! columnist Jodie Fitz 1 pita 1 medium apple (golden delicious) 4 ounces Monterey jack cheese 1 teaspoon cinnamon Honey Pre-heat the oven to 400 degrees. Slice the pita... More
From Let's Cook! columnist Jodie Fitz 1 pita 1 medium apple (golden delicious) 4 ounces Monterey jack cheese 1 teaspoon cinnamon Honey Pre-heat the oven to 400 degrees. Slice the pita... More
Search
Community
Photo Fun
Features
The Capital Disctrict Parent Pages Features are cover stories pulled from our print edition. For ALL features, stories & more, pick up an issue at one of our many locations.
Collaborative process can ease the pain of divorce
Posted on Tue, August 18th, 2009
Written by: Jacqueline M. Domin,
email: dominj@spotlightnews.com
John Tybush and his wife were having problems.
Married for 27 years, they tried counseling. For nearly two years, they went both alone and separately to sessions.
It wasn’t enough to save their marriage.
“We came to a conclusion: it just sounds like it’s not going to work out,” Tybush said.
But he and his wife were wary of a court battle. They had two sons and didn’t want to go through a messy divorce.
Someone suggested the collaborative process. It’s supposed to be easier -- emotionally and logistically -- than resolving things through the courts. When Tybush and his wife learned about it, the collaborative process was new to the Capital District.
In fact, when they agreed to give it a try in 2008, they became the first couple to work with The Collaborative Divorce Association of the Capital District, Inc.
While the collaborative process -- it’s largely used for divorces, but it can also be used for any family problems, and in Tybush’s case it was used to work out a separation -- is relatively new to this area, it’s been practiced elsewhere for nearly 20 years. It was the brainchild of Minnesota family lawyer Stu Webb, who saw that traditional litigation often took a toll on families.
So, in the early 1990s, Webb stopped offering traditional divorce representation. Instead, he touted his collaborative method, the cornerstone of which was having the parties sit down together in private -- in other words, not in a courtroom -- and work out arrangements and solutions.
Webb’s work caught the attention of lawyers across the country and even across the world. In Alberta, Canada, collaborative divorce has grown so popular that the divorce courts in the city of Medicine Hat have closed their doors. Back in the States, actor Robin Williams and his wife opted for collaborative divorce when they broke up early last year.
Around that same time, JoAnn Shartrand, a Latham divorce attorney, started laying the groundwork for the nonprofit Collaborative Divorce Association of the Capital District. She talked to lawyers and other professionals about trying this method as an alternative to court proceedings. One of the lawyers who heard the pitch was Valerie Kerker, who had been involved in matrimonial and family law since launching a solo practice in 1989.
Although Kerker was intrigued by the collaborative process, initially she wasn’t sure she wanted to get involved.
“I was busy. I had lots of litigation,” she said.
But Kerker thought back to the events of Sept. 11, 2001. They had left her wanting to find a little more good, a little more peace in the world. The collaborative process seemed like a step in that direction.
Kerker already had meditation training, which she drew on to form Family Mediation Services in 2003. Her partner in that venture, Kathleen Gleeson, now practices with Kerker at Kerker & Gleeson P.C. in Albany, and she too decided to try the collaborative process.
Gleeson said she’s always gotten a lot of satisfaction out of working with couples as a neutral third party. For Kerker, though, it was a bit of an adjustment to adopt a team approach rather than fighting for just one side.
“I like to give people the answers,” she said. In the collaborative process, “you don’t ram your opinion down people’s throats.”
That said, each of the parties in a collaborative case do have their own lawyers. When cases are more complicated, there are also additional professionals who work with the couple -- divorce coaches, financial planners and child specialists. Local residents interested in taking part in the collaborative process can find participating professionals at the Collaborative Divorce Association of the Capital District’s Web site, www.collaborativedivorceassociation.com.
Mary Stokes, who owns Mary Stokes Financial Planning in Albany, will take over as the association’s president in September. She joined the group after seeing “a lot of people go through a lot of torment” during traditional divorces. She saw women who insisted on keeping their houses during divorces because they thought their kids would be happier in the house, only to struggle with taxes and maintenance costs.
“I saw that people tend to make decisions in the minute,” she said. “A lot of times they’re devastated. Often there’s a lot of emotion. They’re not looking long term.”
Stokes’ role in the collaborative process is to show the parties all their options. She helps them collect data and make projections to find “what’s truly best for both parties.”
“It’s kind of like sitting around the kitchen table,” she said.
That spirit is prevalent in the collaborative process. Often, pictures of kids are on the table during talks, and food and beverages are provided.
“When you’re munching on a sandwich, it’s really hard to be mean to each other,” Kerker said.
Tybush remembers friends marveling at the lack of animosity between him and his wife during the process.
“There were times we went to a meeting, and and afterward we sat there and had a drink together,” Tybush said.
That’s not to say the process is free of tension. “You’re not guaranteed not to have a breakdown. Everyone has emotions,” Gleeson said.
But since the collaborative process places such a premium on respect and dignity, if tempers flare, everyone takes a break.
"If anyone started to argue, everything got shut right down," said Tybush, who was represented by Kerker. "There was not an argument at the table in six months."
The hope is not only to reach an amicable agreement, but also for the parties to remain on good terms afterwards, particularly when there are children involved.
While Tybush speaks highly of the collborative process, it did not lead to a lasting friendship with his wife. He said they have not spoken since a few days after they were separated in September.
Kerker and Gleeson acknowledge that the collaborative process isn't a cure-all – nor is it meant to be. While the parties involved agree not to go to court, if it's simply impossible to reach an agreement together, the attorneys withdraw from the case and it proceeds through traditional legal channels.
Kerker added that not every client – or attorney – is suited for the collaborative process. Clients are screened before they're accepted.
Gleesen said that it's "never a happy thing" when a couple breaks up. But she believes the collaborative process can help make the best of a bad situation.
"I just finished a case with another attorney," she said. "It went very, very well. It went very smoothly."
Readers had this to say
Nobody has made any comments about this yet... you could be the first. Comment about this article.
Posted on Tue, August 18th, 2009Written by: Jacqueline M. Domin,
email: dominj@spotlightnews.com
John Tybush and his wife were having problems.
Married for 27 years, they tried counseling. For nearly two years, they went both alone and separately to sessions.
It wasn’t enough to save their marriage.
“We came to a conclusion: it just sounds like it’s not going to work out,” Tybush said.
But he and his wife were wary of a court battle. They had two sons and didn’t want to go through a messy divorce.
Someone suggested the collaborative process. It’s supposed to be easier -- emotionally and logistically -- than resolving things through the courts. When Tybush and his wife learned about it, the collaborative process was new to the Capital District.
In fact, when they agreed to give it a try in 2008, they became the first couple to work with The Collaborative Divorce Association of the Capital District, Inc.
While the collaborative process -- it’s largely used for divorces, but it can also be used for any family problems, and in Tybush’s case it was used to work out a separation -- is relatively new to this area, it’s been practiced elsewhere for nearly 20 years. It was the brainchild of Minnesota family lawyer Stu Webb, who saw that traditional litigation often took a toll on families.
So, in the early 1990s, Webb stopped offering traditional divorce representation. Instead, he touted his collaborative method, the cornerstone of which was having the parties sit down together in private -- in other words, not in a courtroom -- and work out arrangements and solutions.
Webb’s work caught the attention of lawyers across the country and even across the world. In Alberta, Canada, collaborative divorce has grown so popular that the divorce courts in the city of Medicine Hat have closed their doors. Back in the States, actor Robin Williams and his wife opted for collaborative divorce when they broke up early last year.
Around that same time, JoAnn Shartrand, a Latham divorce attorney, started laying the groundwork for the nonprofit Collaborative Divorce Association of the Capital District. She talked to lawyers and other professionals about trying this method as an alternative to court proceedings. One of the lawyers who heard the pitch was Valerie Kerker, who had been involved in matrimonial and family law since launching a solo practice in 1989.
Although Kerker was intrigued by the collaborative process, initially she wasn’t sure she wanted to get involved.
“I was busy. I had lots of litigation,” she said.
But Kerker thought back to the events of Sept. 11, 2001. They had left her wanting to find a little more good, a little more peace in the world. The collaborative process seemed like a step in that direction.
Kerker already had meditation training, which she drew on to form Family Mediation Services in 2003. Her partner in that venture, Kathleen Gleeson, now practices with Kerker at Kerker & Gleeson P.C. in Albany, and she too decided to try the collaborative process.
Gleeson said she’s always gotten a lot of satisfaction out of working with couples as a neutral third party. For Kerker, though, it was a bit of an adjustment to adopt a team approach rather than fighting for just one side.
“I like to give people the answers,” she said. In the collaborative process, “you don’t ram your opinion down people’s throats.”
That said, each of the parties in a collaborative case do have their own lawyers. When cases are more complicated, there are also additional professionals who work with the couple -- divorce coaches, financial planners and child specialists. Local residents interested in taking part in the collaborative process can find participating professionals at the Collaborative Divorce Association of the Capital District’s Web site, www.collaborativedivorceassociation.com.
Mary Stokes, who owns Mary Stokes Financial Planning in Albany, will take over as the association’s president in September. She joined the group after seeing “a lot of people go through a lot of torment” during traditional divorces. She saw women who insisted on keeping their houses during divorces because they thought their kids would be happier in the house, only to struggle with taxes and maintenance costs.
“I saw that people tend to make decisions in the minute,” she said. “A lot of times they’re devastated. Often there’s a lot of emotion. They’re not looking long term.”
Stokes’ role in the collaborative process is to show the parties all their options. She helps them collect data and make projections to find “what’s truly best for both parties.”
“It’s kind of like sitting around the kitchen table,” she said.
That spirit is prevalent in the collaborative process. Often, pictures of kids are on the table during talks, and food and beverages are provided.
“When you’re munching on a sandwich, it’s really hard to be mean to each other,” Kerker said.
Tybush remembers friends marveling at the lack of animosity between him and his wife during the process.
“There were times we went to a meeting, and and afterward we sat there and had a drink together,” Tybush said.
That’s not to say the process is free of tension. “You’re not guaranteed not to have a breakdown. Everyone has emotions,” Gleeson said.
But since the collaborative process places such a premium on respect and dignity, if tempers flare, everyone takes a break.
"If anyone started to argue, everything got shut right down," said Tybush, who was represented by Kerker. "There was not an argument at the table in six months."
The hope is not only to reach an amicable agreement, but also for the parties to remain on good terms afterwards, particularly when there are children involved.
While Tybush speaks highly of the collborative process, it did not lead to a lasting friendship with his wife. He said they have not spoken since a few days after they were separated in September.
Kerker and Gleeson acknowledge that the collaborative process isn't a cure-all – nor is it meant to be. While the parties involved agree not to go to court, if it's simply impossible to reach an agreement together, the attorneys withdraw from the case and it proceeds through traditional legal channels.
Kerker added that not every client – or attorney – is suited for the collaborative process. Clients are screened before they're accepted.
Gleesen said that it's "never a happy thing" when a couple breaks up. But she believes the collaborative process can help make the best of a bad situation.
"I just finished a case with another attorney," she said. "It went very, very well. It went very smoothly."
Readers had this to say
Nobody has made any comments about this yet... you could be the first. Comment about this article.